>Choices

>I believe that everything in life is a choice. I decide most of the hundreds of choices that I make each day. When to get up, what to wear, what I will eat, and my activity for the day. Unfortunately I haven’t always made the best choices when it has come to my health. I have always been overweight and out of shape. As a result, my body is falling apart. My back has been deteriorating over the last two years. Following back surgery and physical therapy I have started seeing a pain specialists and am on more medications than a lot of eighty year olds. I am tired most of the time, and my latest injury is a possible bone spur to my left heel. When I went to the internet to investigate I found that being overweight is one of the main causes. So this leaves me in pain everyday. My back pain that radiates down my left leg and now my left heel that I can barely walk on. The last time I went to the doctor my labwork had started to make changes for the first time in my life. I have always had great cholesterol, blood pressure and no signs of diabetes. But my last check showed some changes that were concerning. My doctor told me I had to start eating better and exercise. A year later, I haven’t stuck to any of the hundreds of plans I have made in my head. I have every intention of starting an exercise plan and eating healthy. Next Monday. It is always next Monday. But I never stick to it. I try to follow diets, no sugar, Weight Watchers, and everything in between. The biggest question in my mind is…..WHY? Why don’t I do something about this if I am in such main and misery. Being fat is miserable. I am never comfortable in my body. I hurt. People look at you differently. I look at myself differently. And still, it is my own fault. It comes down to choices. I have made the choice not to eat healthy. Not to exercise. Not to eat in moderation. To pay monthly for a gym that I am not using. They are all choices. Ones that I have made. I have no one else to blame.

So, what to do??? I really don’t know but I know it has to be simple. I chose yesterday to eat healthy and walk 2 miles. Maybe it is that simple. I know I can’t do any more diets or difficult workout plans. I will choose to keep lots of healthy foods in our home. I will choose to eat foods that are good for my body and make me feel good. I will choose to walk and be active every day to keep my body from being in pain. And the most important thing, I will choose to forgive myself when I make a bad decision or “cheat” and I will forgive myself.

It may or may not be important to find out why I have done this to myself. I haven’t decided yet. It has been a struggle. One that many people have fought and won. I can too. It is one that is full of forgiveness, healing, and self discovery. When I was 39….a year ago, I promised myself that at age 40 I would get it together. I would find my way. I have to believe that I will. I have some ideas about how I will do it, ways that I will reward myself and those that will lovingly support me. There will be no “plan” Just making good choices. Keeping it very simple. Healing my body one choice, one day, one hour at a time.

Keep reading! Hopefully I will continue to blog about this journey of self discovery. The struggles, the growth, the healing…..stay tuned!

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