“Just Don’t Kill Each Other…..”

I was doing the dressing change on one of my patients last night. It was quite painful so I was trying to engage him in conversation and distract him from the pain. We started talking about his wife and his marriage. I asked him how long he had been married. He told me that they have been married about 15 years. I asked him one of my favorite questions to ask my patients that have been married for awhile…..”so what is your secret?” I asked. He replied to me, “Just don’t kill each other….tolerance….of each other.” He went on to say that you just don’t give up. No matter what. It amazes me that when I ask my patients this question I get such simple answers! I have had patients that have been married 65, 70 years. I love to ask them this question! The thing is, there is no secret. Most of them have just said things such as what my patient said last night.

You just stay together. You just keep loving each other….no matter what. You just don’t give up.

I want this for my own life. It is too late for me to have 65 years but I could maybe still have 50 plus years with the love of my life.  I am hopeful that one day I will be able to answer “30 years… 40 years…50 years we have been together….” I have no doubt in my mind that I will have that someday.

There are so many books written about love, marriage, relationships. Many of them claim to have the answer….the secret to relationships and lasting love. I think it is much more simple than any book. I think that when I listen to my patients, many times they help me more than I help them.You just don’t give up. You stay….you work it out, you have good times, bad times but you just keep loving each other. These are always the answers I hear to this question.

You just don’t kill each other….good advice!

Suffering….

I am a hospice nurse. I take care of dying patients…and I am ok emotionally with that most of the time. It is hard, but when one patient dies, you know you have done the best you can to help another suffering human being. There is always another one waiting in the wings for your help. So you move on. Well, this week I have not been able to “move on.”

See, I have always said, “I don’t do kids…pediatrics….sick children.” But this week I did. We have a pediatric program that has the most wonderful pediatric nurses. They are awesome! As an on- call nurse though, I am responsible for the after hours visits while those wonderful pediatric nurses are at home asleep! I have worked at hospice for two years without caring for a dying child. Then, this week, the call came. One of our children was not doing well and had started having a seizure. I went to her home where she continued that seizure for four grueling hours. I gave her medicines through her IV, I gave her oxygen, I rubbed her legs, I gave her suppositories but it seemed like nothing I did helped. I also listened to her mother yell at me in frustration, felt the stares of many family members and friends,listened as her little brother asked me when the seizures would stop.  I wasn’t sure they would. And I told them that. I told the brother, “pray.” I know that I was. I had never felt so helpless in all my life. When they weren’t looking at me, hot tears burned my eyes. I knew these people were not angry at me…but I was the closest thing that they had to lash out at. I told myself, “this is not about YOU.” I kept telling myself that and praying…it got me through.

The seizures finally stopped but she was not peaceful. Her breathing was ragged, she was dying. She stopped breathing in her mothers arms on the couch. She was eight years old. I did all the nurse things you do at the time of death but I did so numbly. I consoled parents who would never be the same again, I bathed and dressed this little girl in a pretty green gown with pink flowers, I removed the tubes, catheters, called the funeral home and doctors. I did these things that I do all the time in a daze and have stayed that way all week.

What I have done since that day is try to make sense of the suffering. I understand that children die. I get that. I am saddened by it ,but it is ok. What I don’t understand is the suffering. WHY? Is dying not bad enough? Why do children suffer? Why does anyone have to suffer? Where is God in all of this? Where is he when our hearts are breaking? Why do I have to watch my own child slowly suffer? I know it is not comparable to this little girl but to me it is a slow suffering. I have talked to so many this week about this little girl, her seizures, the way that she died.  I spoke to colleagues, two pastors, friends, other nurses….I have finally come to a conclusion…..

The conclusion is this. I am not supposed to know. It doesn’t make sense. It will never make sense. Suffering will never make sense.  Not for her, my own child, my own heart, or anyone else that suffers pain and heartache. What I do know is that I am supposed to TRUST in God. I am to have Faith. I am to go on LOVING others. These things came to me today. They softened my hardened heart. Jesus said, “Faith, hope, and love….but the greatest of these is love.” I am supposed to have faith and trust in him. With everything that I am. He has a plan….and it doesn’t involve me making sense of it. I am only supposed to trust in him. Have faith in him. And I do. The one thing I can always come back to is my faith and trust in God. This has been the only way that I can leave it at his feet. Knowing that I don’t have to figure it out. He already has….and his perfect plan makes sense to HIM.

I don’t have to figure this or anything else out. He said that he would carry me and he has.

Crushed

My heart is crushed.

I had hoped that this program would change my son for the better. It has not. Tonight he decided that he did not care for the rules of his father’s house and was leaving. For good. He is 17. If he can’t follow the rules there, then he can’t follow mine either and will not be welcome to continue that behavior here. This morning he put his hands on his sister. This has been an ongoing issue that we have had the therapistaddress. Apparently it didn’t work. He has gone to stay with some guys in the program that are 18 and over, have jobs, are doing well in the program, and have an apartment. This is what he has wanted to do for awhile now. He was just looking for a way to make it happen. I am not sure how well he will be received into a roommate situation with no job or money. As far as I know he is not using drugs…big whoop!  *said VERY sarcastically* We had a counselor tell us that she thought that he needed to fall flat on his face and hit rock bottom before he really “got it.” That means penniless, homeless, without food or shelter. I think he is well on his way to fulfilling this.

All I know is  I. Am. Done. I am not doing this anymore with him. No more money, transportation, did I mention money? I don’t even know at this point if he plans to finish out his senior year of high school. He has nothing planned and no grades for college. His plan is to hang out and mooch off others. I have a feeling these guys will not last as long as his father, stepmother, and I have.

I am letting go. I think that is the biggest way I can help him at this point. All I have to offer him is my prayers. Those are being said without ceasing…. I have a life to lead. One with opportunity, love, hope, adventure, and awesome friends. I also have the support of my church. I have to move on and not let this destroy me and my everyday life. I have a daughter to raise. One who is bright, beautiful, caring, funny, and full of love. I can’t have this behavior in our home destroy her. She doesn’t deserve this. That being said, I know I HAVE to do it….but it is not easy. I will have to MAKE myself do it….for my sanity.

As I write this tonight I am numb. I need to talk but don’t want to talk to “anyone” that is why I am here. For the eventual support from those that love me. To journal this so that maybe I can help someone else someday. To reach out to those that have had similar situations…… I am a hospice nurse. I see death everyday. I sit with it, talk to it, console it, support it, educate about it. But I feel that I have death going on in my home. The death of a child that I once carried under my ribcage. I felt him move, hiccup, and kick. When he was born I fed him again from my own body. To see him like this is like witnessing a slow painful death. I see this “cancer” destroying this once innocent baby, who became a boy, and is moving into manhood making very poor decisions. I also know that it could also result in a very real death, one where his life is no more. Did I mention that I am crushed?

I AM letting go. I have given my support, my time, my energy, my money. So much….but the choice is his. I have to let him make those difficult choices. I so wish that I could change them for him, but I can not. In the meantime, life goes on….I have a daughter to care for, a job, that I love, amazing friends and family. I WILL live my life. I WILL let go. I WILL also continually pray without ceasing.

I remain crushed…..

A Little Bit of Hope…..

I wanted to share a couple of things that have been stirring around in my mind regarding the ongoing struggle with my son. These are the things that I absolutely CLING to as I try to get by on a daily basis.

The first thing was something that happened at church one Sunday, months ago. I have been reluctant to share it here because it sounds CRAZY! I have heard people say that God “spoke” to them all my life. I always chalked it up to whatever they “thought”they heard was just something that they really wanted to hear. Either that or they were a little bit crazy…*for real*

But I heard it. I really heard God speak to me. If you want to think I’m crazy it’s ok…I have been called worse! It was one Sunday in church, our pastor was talking about prayer…and how to pray. He said we need to pray but also spend some quiet time, get this…listening  to God. So he had us spend a couple of minutes in prayer and then after we were finished, had us just listen. My prayer that day was for both of my children. I cried out to God…”Please protect my children….” I instantly heard him say to me in my silence…”I already am…”

I have always been a doubter. Faith is always a struggle for me. I heard it though. Itwas a clear, calm voice. One I have never heard. It was only a few words.It was distinct…and it was not my own. I felt an instant peace. He wanted me to know that I can let go. These are really his children and he IS protecting them….everyday…every minute.

Wow.

The other thing happened also at church the other day. The message was Hope. I won’t go into the sermon here but at the end of the service there was a slideshow of all the things that we have been involved in as a church that brings hope to us. One of the pictures was of my son. It was taken this summer in Costa Rica. Our youth group helped do repairs at a church there and did a VBS for the children at this church. Apparently, my son was wonderful with the children there. This picture was of him holding a little girl. The picture made me gasp…I saw something there. Something that I hold onto. It helps to remind me that there is something alive in his heart. That there is goodness and love there. Despite the ugliness that I see most days. It gave me hope. After church, the kids from youth group told me what a gift he had with the children there. He has always been good with the little ones. They love him. He loves playing with them, loving them. As we go through these dark days with him, days where there is anger, sadness, despair, it helps me to know there is still love in his heart. He is not a monster. He is not bad. He is a child of God. That God is taking care of him for now, and that one day he will be back. 

Great ideas!

Here are some ideas from some readers. I have gotten some great responses! Keep them coming! We can help each other!!!

This is from Vanessa…..

Do you have Red Box for renting DVD’s? It is just one dollar PER NIGHT. And, you just return them to the Red Box. We don’t go to the movies much, if at all. We rent here and there. We play board games. We buy a pizza ready to bake at Walmart instead of getting one delivered or to go. We make Christmas cookies to give as gifts, in tins that you can buy at Dollar Tree. We use the artificial tree that we have in the attic instead of buying a cut fresh tree. We bought those ice cream looking light bulbs instead of regular, they use less power and last forever. We turned down the thermostat. We consolidate our trips in the car to save cost of gas.

Sorry, I was on a stream of consciousness there…..

We also canned this year; jelly, pickles, peppers and applesauce. We will use those for gifts and also to eat throughout the winter.

Here are some great links for some websites/blogs with great ideas! These were sent in by another reader. Thanks!

Rest assured, you are not the only one having money issues right now. I have a few blogs that may interest you:

http://frugalrecipes.wordpress.com
http://livingthelowincomelife.wordpress.com
http://singlemom.contentquake.com/

Hope you find something that you can use.

Help!

Ok, so I need money. I am sure that I am singing to the choir here, as just about all Americans are dealing with the dismal economy. What I want are ideas!!! Due to circumstances in my life, (i.e. a breakup…)  my income has been cut in half. At the same time, really…. the same week, my son started an inpatient drug rehab program  that cost a lot of money…apparently his insurance has a high deductible when it comes to rehab. Let me just tell you, it is not cheap either! For what I am paying a month, I could get another car. Last but not least, the final payment on his braces is due! I haven’t even mentioned what I still owe the hospital for my back surgery…. needless to say I am a little stressed!!

Thank goodness I am a nurse with a good job and great job security. I am now working two jobs and am thankful to have the ability to do so. I just need to tighten the budget in a major way! I am doing things like getting rid of the daily paper, except for Sunday, checking into cheaper internet plans, I am not going to Starbucks anymore and making my coffee everyday at home. I am trying to prepare more foods at home and not using processed foods, which is healthier anyway.

Which leads me to my idea for this post. I need money saving ideas, recipes….whatever. I want to hear from real everyday people though. Tell me what you do!!! I need to know how to feed myself and my kids healthy meals using VERY cheap ingredients. Groceries prices have skyrocketed and I see no end in sight. I have to buy food…it isn’t optional!

I read a story about a family that didn’t buy anything for a year. They had to go out and find it or it was given to them, recycled. Of course they could buy food but nothing else. It was very eye-opening. I am not looking to be that drastic! It may be very close though!….I plan on going to Goodwill, thrift stores and garage sales for clothes and furniture. I used to turn my nose up at that kind of thing, but have found some really great designer, high priced items that way. I think this could actually be kind of fun.

So, tell me how you do it! Give me those fabulous ways to dress up beans and rice! How have you gotten your utilities down? What changes have you made due to the economy? What do you do for fun now? How do you have a social life in this economy? I won’t even mention the holidays this year….

 I want all your ideas, big and small…I will take them all!!  If you know someone frugal, send them my link. I will make sure all the ideas are posted here for all to see.

Thanks to everyone!!

The Blue Dress

One of my patients died tonight. She died of AIDS. She was alone when she died.

I can’t seem to wrap my mind around this whole scenario tonight. I worked at our inpatient hospice unit. Now, I feel pretty safe writing about this tonight since I do not have my place of employment or location on this site. I also don’t have my full name listed here. Therefore, I feel that her confidentiality is honored.

This patient had one person in her life that came to see her. She was a close friend. This friend was  her only “family” she was also her power of attorney because this patient had no one. I was reading through her chart tonight. One of the doctors that had cared for her in the hospital had documented why her family is not involved. It went something like this. …..”pt’s family is not involved in her care because they do not want to be held responsible for any funeral expenses.” Wait a minute….WHAT? Her family left her to die so they don’t have to pay for her funeral? They left her to die for that? WTF?! I don’t get that. Thankfully, she had a good friend who was willing to help her during her final days. She was her only advocate in the world. She had spent most of today with her but went home to care for her own family tonight. This patient was not comfortable. We called the doctor for better orders, better drugs to keep her comfortable. After a few hours, she settled down. She started to finally look comfortable. The moaning, grunting, grimacing was waning. She drifted into a more peaceful rest. During this time, I checked on her frequently. I knew she wouldn’t last until the end of the shift. I couldn’t stay with her. I had other patients. I did notice a CD player at her bedside with a cd of hymns inside. I turned it on. I was hoping that hearing those songs might bring her comfort since she was alone. I prayed with her. I told her God loved her, she was a child of God and she would be healed soon. I asked God to be with her. To send his angels. I am not sure if she heard me or not. I have no idea if any of the things I did brought her any comfort at all. That is the hard part. Trying to take care of patients, trying to make a difference….but did you? Really?

The thing is, her family does not live far away. She has a mother, brother, and sister within 30 minutes to an hour away. When her POA called them tonight they said, “Ok. we will try to get there tomorrow.” WHAT? This is your child! She is dead. She died ALONE! I do not understand this. It is wrong! It is one of the things that break my heart as a hospice nurse. When someone is dying, my belief is that no one should ever die alone. No matter what you have done in your life, you should not die alone. Period.

My son is causing my grief, heartache, and frustration right now. But there is nothing that either of my children could do in this lifetime that would cause me to not be with them on their deathbed. I don’t know this woman. She may have done terrible things to her family. I only know one side to the story. My family has gone through many things with me. I have made them angry, sad, embarassed, exasperated. But I can honestly say though, I KNOW they would never let me die alone. I just don’t get it. This has not been the first time I have seen this. I have seen patients die alone before. It is never acceptable. I wonder when this patients mother gave birth to her beautiful baby daughter, did she ever think this child would die a horrible death….alone? Maybe I just think about stuff like that too much. I tend to analyze things I don’t understand. Some things will never make sense.

So she passed away alone. Another nurse discovered this when she went to check on her. We called her friend…who brought the blue dress. You see, this patient had a blue dress that she wanted to be sure that she is buried and viewed in. Actually this “dress” was a three piece suit. We dressed her tiny, diseased body in this long, oversized skirt, shirt, and jacket. It swallowed her up. More friends came to see her. She was in her blue dress that she wanted.When her few handful of friends said their goodbyes, she wasready to go to the funeral home. We had to wait though. The funeral home isn’t sure they can take her. She has no money. No life insurance. No family. She may have to be cremated as an “indigent” something the county does when you have nothing and you die. She would then be sent to the morgue at the hospital, then sent for cremation. The county will pay for it. So very sad. Even in death nobody wanted her. She was still in the room when I left. Nobody knows what to do with her.

At least she got to wear her blue dress.

Surviving…

I am having a difficult time writing here lately. This used to feel like a sanctuary to me but this week I have avoided it. I have spent a lot of time getting my house in order….literally and figuratively. I have spent a lot of time alone but have surrounded myself with good friends as well. When I have reached out they were there. From phone calls, texts, emails, taking me out to dinner, hanging out with me at home. I have felt loved. I felt it from so many unexpected people. When all of this started, I didn’t think I would survive. They made sure that I did.

I hope to somehow get back into my writing “groove” I hope to feel safe here again. I hope to continue to feel like my world is slowly turning around. One thing I am really working on is being ok with myself no matter how my son is doing. Knowing that my peace, happiness, and serenity can not depend on his choices. He has major decisions and choices to make. They are HIS though. He will be 18 in April. He knows what to do, and who and where his resources are. The rest is up to him. However, if he does not do well or make good choices, I can not let that bring me down. That is SO hard for me to do. For so long, my happiness has depended on the happiness of my children. I can’t do that anymore. I WANT them to do well. I want them to be happy. I will be happy though, even if they are not.

All of this is a work in progress! It is not easy. It is hour to hour….day by day. It is a process. Life for me has been life changing over the last 2 weeks. Things are different. Hard. Scary. Empowering. I will be ok though. I will be happy.

I will, I will!!

A Love Like That….

I wanted to repost one of my blogs from awhile back. I believe it was May 2007. Now that I am newly single I can truly relate to it….again. I have hope that my soulmate is out there. When the time is right we will find each other. I have much work to do on myself to prepare. Even if we do not meet for years to come, I will not give up. I know she is out there. Somewhere.

I went to the funeral of one of my patients the other day. This patient and family was one of the most challenging in my short hospice career. They were Asian and there were many cultural differences. They were Christian and very strong in their faith. They believed he would be healed and get better. This man was 46 years old with a wife and two teenage children. He did not get better. He was my patient for about three weeks. I saw him almost every day because we were giving him daily IV fluids. They somehow believed if he could get these, he could recover. Every day he got worse. Every day, I tried to gently explain to his wife and family that he was dying. His wife refused to believe it. She would ask me questions about his condition. My answer usually had something to do with him getting worse and dying. I was so frustrated that she was in such denial! I knew she loved him but it was frustrating for me that Dr’s, hospice, everybody involved had told her that he was dying but she refused to believe it. For weeks this went on. She never did “get it” She took such good care of her husband. She never left his side. She never gave up hope.

At the funeral I finally “got it.” I went to the funeral with the Social Worker that had been involved with this patient. She is a divorced, single mother like myself. Towards the end of the funeral they had a slideshow of my patients life. The photos were of his wedding day, holding his children when they were babies, family vacations,birthdays, and other special days. As I watched this wife, I could see how much she loved him. This is why she did not give up. This is why she would not let herself believe that her husband was dying. Some people call it denial. I saw it that day as love. I turned to my friend the Social Worker and asked, “Do you ever wonder if you will ever find a love like that?” I whispered. “Everyday. She whispered. Everyday.”

Me too.

Shooting Star…..

 

 

Tonight was hard. It was more than hard…it sucked. I had to tell my daughter that my partner and I had broken up. That our home would be turned upside down with the dividing of possesions. That financially times will be hard.

We were riding down the road and all of a sudden in a clear, black sky I saw the brightest star SHOOT from the sky! I had never seen anything like it! I turned to my wide-eyed daughter who had just witnessed the same thing as I. We saw it at the exact same time! We were both so excited. The night had been full of despair and then in our path we saw this amazing sight in the midst of it all! Carsyn said, “close your eyes and make a wish mom!” So I closed one eye, kept the other on the road, and wished! I looked at my beautiful daughter sitting next to me, she had her eyes closed tight, wishing, but looking more like praying. I am not sure what she was wishing for. You know, you’re not supposed to tell those things. Mine had something to do with family, health, and happiness.

It was so special to get to witness that together. Especially on a night like tonight. I felt another shot of hope. It was like a sign. Like God was saying, “I am here. I haven’t left you. Here is my sign to you.” I truly believe that he was speaking straight to us through this magnificent wonder. I am not sure if I have ever heard of God speaking through shooting stars but he did tonight.

And I had my own bright shining star right beside me to witness and share it all….

It was perfect.